How do we get over that dreaded shame and guilt that seems to loom over us like a dark cloud, the second we mention the “D” word?

The Whys

1. One of the breeding grounds for judgment is within society itself. Society is “pro-relationship” and certainly not “pro-divorce.” When you’re single, married friends want to “couple you up,” and when you’re married, your vows reinforce the belief that that union is until death do you part. Society doesn’t like divorce because it represents being broken. It’s hard not to take that personally.
   
2. Divorce is perceived as a failed marriage, when in truth, at least according to comedian Lewis Black, “No good marriage ends in divorce.” And who says every relationship is meant to last forever? Well, apparently those vows do. And when they’re broken, we can feel like we failed, didn’t try enough, and weren’t good enough. Those feelings, thoughts, beliefs, can be devastating.
   
3. We’re just not good enough, we should have recognized the problems sooner, we stayed too long, we married the wrong person. All of those messages, each one contradicting the other, add fuel to the fire of shame and guilt during divorce. Whether someone points a finger at you, or whether it’s the voice of your own inner critic, the judgment can be thick, and the guilt can be relentless.
   
4. If you have children, that shame and guilt can become magnified. Not only do we tend to feel like a failure in our marriage, but we feel the same about our role as parent. We can feel like we failed as parents by not making our marriage work for our kids’ sake. We reinforce this belief further when we overcompensate after divorce and try to “make up” for all of our “wrongs.”
   

So how do we start letting go of the burden of shame that is either self-imposed or encouraged by society?

The How’s

Most importantly, give yourself time to heal. Healing takes time and patience. Just because you “feel” something doesn’t mean it’s reality, and it also means that it will pass. Even the good feelings go away eventually.

1. Start forgiving yourself for everything. We tend to focus on the forgiveness of others more easily than the forgiveness of ourselves. We tend to take ourselves for granted while staying angry with ourselves unknowingly.
   
2. Take care of yourself and treat yourself like you have value, because you do. Treat yourself as well as you treat others: with kindness, patience, and understanding. When you fall or make mistakes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, give yourself a hug, and love yourself unconditionally. Remind yourself that mistakes are a necessary part of growth, and the love you have for yourself is not conditional based on being perfect. In fact, we don’t really like those “perfect” people anyway, do we?
   

3. Talk to someone. It can be a friend, a family member, or a professional. Talk about your feelings with someone safe who won’t judge you and who will listen.